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In early 2019 my dog passed away. Late at night when I'm alone I think of the tragic way in which he died, the moment I knew he was gone, I question what I did wrong even though I was so young, and I cry and cry. I rejected any memory of him, I haven't spoken his name since he died 7 years ago.
I'm realizing that I can't keep ignoring the existence of a living thing, one that loved me and who I loved back, and one who had a life before he passed. My goal is to remember all the positive moments I had with Buddy instead of only thinking of him when the topic of death comes to mind.
Buddy liked eating pieces of apples and any cheez itz that would fall to the floor. He loved rides in the car especially when he could feel the breeze on his fur. He liked going for walks but had to be picked up when he saw sewers because he'd be too scared to walk near them. He was also afraid of bridges. He loved crunchy leaves and blankets, and he would be in any place he could fit in. He liked going into boxes, laying on packs of soda bottles, going under the couch (sometimes he'd bring a dog toy under the couch too), "burying" under blankets, getting into open shoe boxes, and into the fabric cooler. He always looked up to the ceiling, maybe at the fan. I always thought it looked like he was pondering.
Tonight, instead of forcing myself to sleep just to stop thinking about him, I'm able to stop crying and go to bed peacefully.